I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
