go do what you do best...puke behind churches
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
