Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
