She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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