You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
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