just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
