apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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