Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
