Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
