she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Holy sore nipples Batman
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Randomize
