You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Randomize
