listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
