we're chasing vodka with high fives
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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