You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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