Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
