so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
