My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
