I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I have surprise drugs for everyone
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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