Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
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You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
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I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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