yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
