Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
