Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
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He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
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The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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