tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
organizing the empties. That sober.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
