Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
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