Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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