3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
im holly from the hills drunk
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Can't talk, ducks in the car
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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