I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
