this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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