Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
