you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
