the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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