I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
