Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Randomize
