i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
