Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
