Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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