Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm getting married
To pizza
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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