dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
