I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
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