just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
