he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
