my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Liz is crying about burritos again.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize