im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
