If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
