im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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