like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
