i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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