Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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