walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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