Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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