ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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