theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Randomize
