I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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