the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
