Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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