On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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